Haemorrhoids (drug)

(not to be confused with haemorrhoids, a swollen vein or group of veins in the region of the anus)

Hemorrojder, most commonly known as Haemorrhoids, is a highly addictive, stimulant, euphoric, hallucinogenic, and sedative drug compound. It is usually taken in a pipe or other smoking device, lit up, and inhaled through the mouth or nose.

The first Haemorrhoids were invented by Swedish chemist Dr Kristian Arn Albrechtsson in his laboratory in Kiruna, Lapland, Sweden. Albrechtsson first stumbled upon the chemical compound for the narcotic by making a hybrid of methamphetamine, heroin, and lysergic acid diethylamide (LSD). After several failed attempts combining the three drugs, Albrechtsson completed a chemically stable version of Haemorrhoids in the spring of 1884, shortly before his death, which was ironically caused by an overdose from trialling his product too much. He named the substance Haemorrhoids (Swedish: Hemorrojder) because he found the final recipe to the drug while he was experiencing the medical condition. He claims in his posthumous 1900 biography that the inflammation of his anal veins gave him his 'Eureka' moment.

Haemorrhoids experienced little success in the drug market until 1889 when its inventor's son, Jacob Thorsten Albrechtsson, sold the compound's recipe to Swedish narcotics mass-producer company Gerhardsson & Feldt. By 1891, Haemorrhoids were one of the company's most successful products, and even survived their dissolution in 1903, when Gerhadrdsson & Feldt were absorbed by German company Verrückte Säfte. This expanded Haemorrhoids' multi-national market from mainly Scandinavia to most of Europe. At this time, the drug became popular with many influential people, including Pablo Picasso, Albert Einstein, and Grigori Rasputin, which also increased its popularity.

After a biological safety investigation into Verrückte Säfte's factories and subsequent poor results of assessments, the German company was shut down in 1952, and Haemorrhoids were banned from being mass-produced and completely outlawed in most countries. Some nations, including Colombia, Venezuela, and Cuba still permit the production of Haemorrhoids although their governments are under pressure from the United Nations to ban them. Other nations, predominantly the United States, are infamous for their underground drug communities that illegally produce and sell Haemorrhoids to addicted customers.